The Maple Seed

First, an explanation: I use the terms "c-word" and "t-word" because I believe that words are important. I think we give far too much power to these words, so I try not to speak or type them. I'm not in denial that these things are part of my current existence, but they are not who I am. 

March 27, 2020

I didn't wake up in a good mood this morning. As I've mentioned before, it's hard not to feel a little crabby when the reality of what's going on reaches my brain. My mom suggested in a text that I go back to bed, but instead, I tried to find a place for us to eat dinner. 

When we visited Utah in October, my dad had asked if I would like him to give me an LDS blessing. Although I was hesitant at first, I thought about it and decided that I should welcome any form of positive intention. But I forgot to tell him. So when my mom asked while they were visiting Washington, I said yes. 

I wasn't expecting that my dad would explain the process and their beliefs to Matt beforehand. My dad said that a priesthood blessing is based on the "faith in heavenly father" that the priesthood holder and the person getting blessed have. Matt took it in stride and thanked him for the explanation.

I cried during the blessing, not because I felt "the spirit," but because a prayer, especially one that asks to be cured of c-word, is an emotional thing. The ritual also brought me back to my childhood. Although I don't believe in a "heavenly father," I have faith that I'm going to be fine. Hopefully that counts. 

I hugged my mom and dad afterward. When we all sat down, I felt compelled to tell them that I believe God is inside us, and that the God inside me wants me to live. They nodded, even though they probably didn't agree. Thankfully my parents and I have come to a place where, for the most part, we respect and don't criticize each other's beliefs.

While talking and lounging, I brought up the Disney movie Soul again. I had told my mom about it, but neither of my parents had seen it. This movie addresses life, death, and the afterlife in an incredibly unique way, while at the same time leaving things open to interpretation. Since we weren't doing anything else, they agreed to put it on, and we watched the first half. 

(Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen it but plan to, which I highly recommend, skip the next three paragraphs.) 

As I've mentioned in other entries, the main character, Joe Gardner, dies by falling into a manhole right after getting hired by famous Jazz player Dorothea Williams. A band teacher whose mother disapproves of his desire to be a musician, Joe considered this opportunity his "big break," so he is in total denial of his own death. He refuses to follow the path he stands on toward "The Great Beyond." 

 

Joe tries to jump back down to earth, but he accidentally ends up in a place they call "The Great Before." Young spirits are assigned personalities here and attend a "You Seminar" that helps them to find their "spark". Finding their spark completes their "Earth badge," which allows the spirits to jump down to earth and start the adventure of life. 

Joe is accidentally mistaken for a renowned professor who is assigned as a "mentor" for a stubborn soul called "22." 22 has been convinced for some time that life is not worth it, even after being tutored by the likes of Abraham Lincoln and Mother Teresa.

Despite her difficult and rebellious nature, Joe tells 22 his story and convinces her to make a deal with him. She will try to find her spark in order to finish her Earth badge, but then give it to Joe. This seems like a win-win, since 22 has no interest in life and Joe wants to return to his own. 22 shows Joe the Hall of Everything, where she tries out different talents and hobbies like she has before. But even with a passionate Jazz-playing companion, there is nothing 22 is really interested in. Long story short, they find another way to make it to Joe's world, but 22 ends up inside Joe's body, while Joe ends up inside a therapy cat. 

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I paused the movie, and we took my parents to Soos Creek Trail. A friendly man saw our binoculars and gave us directions to a great blue heron rookery (nesting site.) We found it and loaned my parents our binoculars. The nesting herons were high up in some distant trees, thus hard to see with the naked eye.

As we walked the other way, my dad spotted a big nest at the top of a tree, and Matt saw a hawk inside it. Excited that my dad found such a gem, I looked up a little too long and hard, so everything started swirling around me. I lost my balance and fell forward, catching myself with my hands on the black asphalt path. 

No one noticed at first because they were looking at the bird. I regained my balance and started helping myself up when they did. Matt felt really bad and apologized, but it wasn't his fault. I have a tendency to push myself even if I know I shouldn't. 

It was a little upsetting since it reminded me of my situation. I laughed it off and tried not to let it show, but I think it bothered my mom. 

When we got back home, we watched the rest of Soul.

(Secondary spoiler alert: you'll have to skip the rest of the post if you don't want to know what happens. You should just watch the movie now 😉).

22 gets really freaked out as she and Joe escape the hospital and wander New York City, but then she is surprised by certain things: the taste of pizza, the feeling of a vent blowing air against her back, the sight of the sun shining softly through the orange leaves of a maple tree.

Joe and 22 are later caught by an "accountant" and brought back to the Great Before, where we find out that 22's spark symbol has lit up to complete her Earth Pass. Even though this was the goal, Joe gets upset because not only was 22 in his body, but she didn't find her passion, her purpose, her "spark." One of the leaders of the Great Before chuckles and corrects him: 

"A spark isn't a soul's purpose! Oh, you mentors and your passions. Your purposes, your meanings-of-life. So basic."

Joe appears to puzzle over this, but then he jumps back down the Earth with the pass 22 gave him to play jazz with Dorothea Williams. He enjoys himself, but afterward, he notices that he doesn't really feel any different than he did before. 

After taking the gritty Subway home, he sits at his piano and pulls some trinkets out of his pocket. 22 had gathered these souvenirs while in his body, including some pizza crust and a maple seed. Joe starts playing a beautiful, heartfelt song on the piano and thinks about what he saw when 22 experienced these things. Her (his) face lit up each time. Then he thinks about memories of his own life. We see him as a child, looking up at the trees as he rides his bike. Teaching kids to play music at school as an adult. Feeling the ocean water rush past his feet at the beach. 

His eyes well up, and a tear rolls down his cheek. 

I almost cried out loud with emotion as we watched this part. My tears came down like a waterfall, but I suppressed the sound with some halted, heavy breathing as Matt held and comforted me. 

I've had some talents in my life, but I've never been especially good at one thing. I still haven't found my purpose, so there have many times in my life when I've thought it wasn't even worth living.

But it is. Joe realizes at that moment that simply loving life gives us our spark. We don't all have one purpose. In fact, most of us have many. 

Whatever the case, it's good to be reminded to love my life exactly the way it is. 

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