Jazzing

March 22, 2022

Last night, Matt and I discussed whether I would be okay at home alone the next day. I had no idea how I would handle it, but there was a chance that debilitating anxiety would take over and render me unable to take care of myself. Being home alone made that a lot more likely. He decided to call in sick. 

I took half of a Benadryl to address the itching on my incision and help me sleep. It did, but I woke up again at about 4:30. Matt gets up for work around that time, so he talked to me. 

The anxiety was back, but this time it came with nausea. It was so familiar, like an old friend you always hated. It had been over 4 years since I felt that--about the same time I met Matt. I took half of an Ativan and the other half about thirty minutes later. 

Matt suggested we sit on the front porch. Feeling the fresh, chilly air and watching and hearing the birds sing helped. We have only been together about four years, but he knows me really well. It might have been the Ativan, but I finally started to calm down. 

After coming inside, I called Jordan and told her over the phone. She was pretty calm, although I heard her voice crack a couple of times. Alli was the most emotional of everyone I told, even my mom. It made sense because not only are we close, but her best friend recently lost a sister. She has always been there for me, talking me through moments of sadness and anxiety. She has been there.

I knew I had to tell them at some point, and perhaps I should have called, but I drafted a text to tell everyone else in the family. I fell asleep as Matt watched tv. 

Later that day, Matt and I took Ruby on a walk in the neighborhood. We then went to Clark Lake park, a five-minute drive from our house and one of my favorite places to go since we moved. There is a lake, and plenty of forested space to roam and look for birds. It's a great place to forget your worries.

It was a shoulder-warming, gorgeous day. There were lots of ducks in the lake, including American Coots and what we identified as lesser scaups. We hadn't seen either of those before, and we're always happy to see something different. 

Walking along the boardwalk that goes through a grassy marsh, I heard a splash in the water. It's usually pretty quiet out there, barring the occasional bird call or frog croak. I had heard the splash once before, and both times I assumed it was a big frog or toad jumping into the water. Matt searched with his binoculars and found what he called a "swamp rat" (lol.) 

"What?!" I said incredulously. He pointed it out, and I looked through the lenses. I saw a big head and fur, and the animal was munching on some grass and then slipped back into the water. His tail was difficult to see underwater, but I was pretty sure of what it was. 

"It's a beaver!" I exclaimed. Neither of us had ever seen one in the wild before, and I had always wanted to. We were thrilled.

Nature has always been soothing to me. It almost doesn't matter what I'm doing--I will stop and watch a cat, bird, or even a squirrel if I see one. Usually, I get at least one weird look from a person (which I don't mind.) It's one of the things that will get me "jazzing." If you haven't seen Disney's Soul (which you should, and I don't consider myself a Disney fan), Joe Gardner considers Jazzing to be what he does when he plays Jazz on the piano... forgetting time, place, and everything else in the world because of that thing he loves that puts him "in the zone." Seeing that beaver brought me to that place of joy in my heart that is beyond time, even beyond life. 

Needless to say, it was just what I needed today. 

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