Defying Gravity

I have struggled to update my blog since I started treatment about two years ago.  I developed a tremor in my right hand and high sensitivity to light and digital screens. My heart broke when I realized I couldn’t write normally anymore, either by hand or on a keyboard. After treatment was over, I was only beginning my recovery.

Because of this, and some major personal losses to follow, I was more depressed than I have ever been. Still, I had a burning desire to share my experience with anyone who would listen. Matt suggested that I find a way to dictate my thoughts instead of writing, so I started recording journal entries on my phone. Later, I figured out how to do them on my computer, and transcribe them with AI. I could finally type without constantly hitting the wrong keys and then getting a migraine. 

Instead of trying to go back and recount what I remember about treatment, which is overwhelming, I am going to start where I am now and tell you about a dream I had last weekend. 

I was lying down in bed, in a bedroom, in a house where Matt and I were staying with some friends while traveling. We were flying home the next day.

I wasn't sure where Matt was, but I overheard people outside the room saying something big was happening. I got up, left the room, and saw a small group of people in the spacious living area, but couldn’t find Matt. So I started calling out his name. 

 

Floor-to-ceiling windows framed French doors that opened to a balcony in the back. I looked outside, and the sky looked more incredible than I had ever seen. There were massive, low-hanging clouds, so close you could almost touch them. They were a mixture of pink, blue, and yellow, with stunning, intricate depth. probably sounds pretty normal, but they felt different in the dream–they were almost alive, like electricity. It seemed like they were four-dimensional rather than three. It was too overwhelming to fully comprehend.

As I called his name, I saw Matt standing, hovering in the sky. He moved effortlessly toward me and descended onto the balcony. He clasped me tightly, like it was the first time we’d seen each other in a long time. I was amazed, and a bit afraid, but he assured me everything was okay.  Then he took my hand and led me into the sky. I hesitated for a second, but I knew I could trust him, so I walked into the sky as if it was totally natural. We embraced again, and it felt incredible. There we stood, weightless in the air. I whispered into his ear, "You were right. It's more than real.” He never described anything as more than real in waking life, but people who’ve had near-death experiences do. I guess that's why I thought of it in the dream.

But since I am a skeptic, I thought I would find out for sure if I was dreaming. "Meredith, wake up!" I yelled. "Meredith! Wake up!" 

It didn't work right away, but then I felt myself suddenly snap back into my body, or so I thought. I looked down and found myself lying in the bed from my dream. but then a split-second later, I felt my consciousness pop back into my “actual” body, and woke up. 

In my early twenties, before moving to Seattle, I listened to a radio station that often hosted a guest named Lauri the Dream Lady. She would interpret dreams for callers, but her explanations were not the typical "fortune-telling” kind. Her philosophy was that dreams are not literal, but symbolic, and their messages can help us navigate life. I emailed her once, describing a dream I had, and she interpreted it on her blog. 

In this dream, I was sitting at a small table across from my mother. There was a bowl of glitter in front of her, and she was blowing  on it,  scattering it everywhere. She was speaking to me in a very angry, threatening tone, and pointing down at the ground. This is something she used to do when she was close to losing her temper. I was very irritated, and had a strong impulse to bite off her finger. 

At the time, I was engaged to my first husband. My mom didn't approve of the marriage, but I didn't understand why. She said she thought I was too young, but she married my dad at 21. I was raised in the Mormon faith, and in that culture, it is very common for young people to get married at about that age, sometimes even younger. We argued about it constantly, for years. I was struggling to gain my independence. I felt I’d had enough of being told what to do. 

Lauri said that the glitter symbolized the ideal, “glittery” image I had of our engagement and subsequent wedding. By blowing the glitter away, my mom was spoiling that image. My desire to bite off her finger meant that I didn't get the “point” of what she was saying. 

And I didn’t. Within a year after the wedding, I realized I wasn’t ready to commit to one partner for the rest of my life. I was still just a kid, and we got divorced. So my mother was right. 

The dream I had last weekend seems to reflect what's happening in my current life. I often ask Matt to hold me whenever I am anxious. We both take a deep breath, hug each other tightly, and (usually) calm down.  Doing this brings down your heart rate and reduces your level of cortisol (the stress hormone.) It reminds me that I am safe, and to stay grounded in the moment. 

We have started to meditate, both together and separately. I started meditating in my mid-twenties after joining a weekly meditation group. The first time I went, I was quickly able to connect with what our teacher called “the Divine.” I sat near him, and felt my consciousness rise about a foot above the crown of my head. I remember having my hands clasped in my lap as I sat in the chair. I could see them in my mind’s eye, but I didn’t feel them. I had never experienced anything like it before. 

Almost as soon as Matt got interested and began meditating, he could reach that higher level of consciousness more effectively than me. Connecting with that power seems more important than ever, but it seems I am having a hard time getting there again... it has been years. 

It's like a switch was turned off inside me when I got my diagnosis. But I hope that with continued practice, I  can turn that light on again.